Bruhvivor: Bruhean Coast
by TheNewSpooks
Summary: When a shitty writer attempts to write a Survivor Season with absolutely no skills at all, this monstrosity was born. Watch as the author tries to pull suspense and drama out of his ass to get free internet points in a Survivor Season. Yay. I sure cannot wait for the no-logic plot points that will follow.
1. Episode 1: This Team Is A Bag Of Shit

It was an average day on the sunny shores of the Bruhean coast. That said, average days in Bruhean were still extremely tropical. Not that anybody would know, since it doesn't even exist. Obviously. A large, wooden ship approached the shore of the island Bruhean, which was situated between two other islands, Ligma and Agrum. It was holding a group of 13 that would soon be competing to win the title of Sole Survivor, and the grand prize of $100,000 in the US Reality Show _Survivor._

As the ship finally pulled up at the hastily-made dock, the castaways began to walk off one by one.

First was a large, muscular black man with a purple shirt and black jeans. His name was Thans, almost as tropical as Hawaii itself. He strolled along the dock before a loose plank of wood snapped from beneath him under his weight, causing him to scream as he ran down the dock, breaking more planks on his way. Next off was a woman of same race, brunette hair, and a red shirt and shorts, with a rather stereotypical name, Shaqua'fafa. "That guy's got some weight on him." She said to herself, as she walked on the planks that weren't broken by Thans. Next was a young man wearing a green hoodie and black pants, Ezekiel. He rushed acorss the dock, tripping over his own foot and smashing his face onto a wooden plank. He raised his thumb upwards, before the next castway ran over him. It was a fat, blonde, white man, with a blue shirt over his stomach and large, red jeans. His name was Noura. The resulting weight broke the plank under Ezekiel, and he fell into the water below. Noura kept running down the dock, breaking almost every other plank. Two more castaways came after, one of them jumping on Noura's back to get over, and one of them stepping along the sides of the dock. The one on Noura's back was Jen, a hyper blonde girl with a green shirt and orange shorts. She jumped off of Noura's back by the time he reached the end, and yelled "WOO! THAT WAS FUN! LET'S DO IT AGAIN!" as the other castways looked on in confusion. Ezekiel finally swam to the shore, collapsing on the ground. "I gotta take a nap.." said Noura lazily, before falling onto Ezekiel. The other castaway, who was on the side of the dock, finally finished his trek and jumped down to the rest of the group. "My name is unimportant." He said, lifting Noura off of Ezekiel. "But you may call me Someone. That's who I am." He finished. He had black hair, and wore a black jacket and pants. It was clear he was trying too hard to look cool.

The next person on was David, who was already holding hands with another castaway. David was a slightly tanned man with black hair, a dark green shirt, and brown cargo pants. The other castaway he was with was called Bea, a short girl with braces, a yellow and black shirt, and black shorts. They strolled down what remained of the dock, as a short boy with glasses, a red hoodie, grey pants and a helmet carefully followed them, called Nick. Then there was a boy named Kyra, who seemed as deadpan as, well, a dead person. He had black hair which stood up at the front, as well as a blue jacket over a red shirt along with cargo pants. He took one look at the almost-broken dock and muttered "How fun it is to be in a health and safety nightmare. Woohoo." He said flatly, making his way across the dock. The last castaways to exit the boat were three girls, Brooke, Chelsea and McKenzie. Brooke came out first, spraying everything in the surrounding area with a coat of air freshener. She ran over to McKenzie, spraying her before she grabbed Brooke's air freshener can and crushed it between her fist, throwing what was left into the water. McKenzie haphazardly made it over what was left of the dock, followed slowly by Brooke, who had taken out another can and begun spraying everything with it again. Chelsea was white, possibly of asian descent, and wore a brown hoodie, black shorts, and sandals. She blankly stared at the dock, before deciding to just skip the dock and swim over to the island.

The host proudly stood before the mismatched bunch of people standing at the dock, sorting them into teams. "Team one will consist of the following people. If I say your name, step onto the yellow mat." The host began, presenting a yellow and red mat in front of him. both were large enough for an entire team. "Ezekiel, Shaqua'fafa, Nick, Jen, Mckenzie, Noura. You're team one." The newly formed tribe stepped onto the mat. "Which means team two consists of David, Brooke, Kyra, Bea, Thans, Someone, and Chelsea."

**_Note: when text is both bold and slanted, it indicates someone talking in a confessional. Don't forget that, because it'll be real confusing if ya don't buckaroo_**

**_Ezekiel Confessional: Why does my team get the fat guy and the weak dude? couldn't we have at least had that buff dude? Geez, this is gonna suck._**

**_David Confessional: Geez, with a team like that, my stretegy's gonna work perfectly. Everybody loves me!_**

"Firstly, come up with a name for your team." Said the host, as the members of each team began arguing among themselves for their name.

"Alright, we have to pick something good for our name. Something that stands out. Something that's not really dumb. Any ideas?" Said Someone to his team. Immediately, Bea jumped in front of the group, yelling "TEAM DAVID IS REALLY REALLY REALLY HOT!" And so, the second team was named "David Is Really Really Really Hot." much to the groans of the rest of the team.

The Host walked up to the first team, who were still just yelling at each other, and said "So what's your team called?" To which Noura immediately had a revelation.

**_Noura _****_Confessional: This is a reality show, right? That means they've gotta give us free food or we'll starve and die_****_!_**

"FREE FOOD!" Yelled Noura, and the first team was dubbed "Free Food", as his teammates looked at him confused.

"So, uh...shouldn't we start the first challenge?" Said Bea, still occasionally eyeing up David. The host just pointed upwards to a large, steep hill on the island and said "Climb that massive hill. Whichever team has every member make it up first will win an advantage for the next part of the challenge. GO!"

Thans, Kyra, Brooke and Someone from David Is Really Really Really Hot began running towards the hill, while David, Bea and Chelsea stayed at the bottom.

"David, why aren't you moving?" Said Bea, as she gestured towards the hill.

"It seems I have sprained my ankle. You wouldn't mind carrying me up, would you?" Said David with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.

"Hey, male prostitute. Don't make her do it just because your lazy ass can't get up a hill." Chelsea spat at David, who began running up herself.

"Well? I'm not gonna just carry myself." Said David, as Bea lifted him up and began slowly shuffling up the hill.

**_David Confessional: Of course I was faking it. I could've ran up that hill and back down in five minhtes if I wanted to. I'm just making us lose because I know they won't vote me out, and my team will trust me more. I mean, everyone loves me!_**

Ezekiel and Shaquafafa began running up the hill after David Is Really Really Really Hot, surpassing David and Bea almost instantly. Ezekiel looked sideways towards Shaquafafa, flashing her a smile before he tripped on a rock and fell straight down the hill.

"Why aren't you going up the hill, shorty?" McKenzie growled at Nick, before he responded quickly with a "I don't think it'd really be all that safe to-" Before Mckenzie began chasing him up the hill.

"I don't think I'd make it up. I'm too big." Said Noura sadly to Jen, who were both still at the bottom. Jen immediately climbed onto Noura's back, before yelling "GIDDY UP! YOU CAN DO IT!" as Noura began sprinting up the hill.

Thans got up the hill first, followed by Someone, then Kyra, then Brooke. Shaquafafa, now almost in front of Chelsea, grabbed a stick from the hill and threw it in front of her, causing her to fall facd-first into the hill. Shaquafafa reached the top, followed by Noura, who was extremely out of breath.

"I did it..woo..." said Noura, as he collapsed onto the ground. Jen rolled off of his back, cheering and giving Noura a high-five before looking over the edge of the hill. Nick springed up the hill, followed closely behind by McKenzie, who grabbed him and planted his face into a patch of sand.

David and Noura were about halfway up the hill now, as Ezekiel neared the top. He was crawling on his hands and knees, as Chelsea saw him and kicked him back down the hill, all the way to the bottom. She ran up to the top, meaning that only David and Bea had to get to the top in order for David Is Really Really Really Hot to win the advantage.

Bea collapsed onto the hill, still holding David, as she kept shuffling foward. She was about three quarters of the way up, as Ezekiel was running up about halfway. Bea reached towards the top, as Ezekiel jumped towards it as well. Whoever finished first was gonna be close.

A hand reached up to the top of the hill, pushing themselves up and revealing it to be...

"Bea and David have finally arrived, which means David Is Really Really Really Hot wins the advantage!" Yelled the host, fed up with how long it took. Ezekiel ran up to the top, panting as he kept his body up by pushing on his knees.

Mckenzie glared at him, before kicking him in the chest, sending him back down the hill, and crashing into a tree at the bottom.

"Now, the next part of the challenge is to get down the hill and get to the beach on the other side of the island, by any means necessary! And I mean ANY." The host said, eager to continue the challenge. "Since David Is Really Really Really Hot won the challenge, they get a sled to easily coast along the sand."

Bea immediately threw David into the sled, as Kyra, Someone, Thans, Brooke and Chelsea all piled into it. Brooke pulled out a can of hairspray, and began spraying it everywhere on the sled before putting it away, convinced it'd at least smell a bit nice. Bea pushed the sled towards the edge of the hill, as she jumped on the back and pushed the sled off. Ezekiel, who was already at the bottom of the hill due to McKenzie, began running towards the beach, and was hit by the speeding sled. He screamed as he was pushed along by the sled. he slipped, bumping into Chelsea and Bea and separating pushing them off the sled. He fell backwards, bumping his head on the sled and falling off himself.

The rest of Free Food, who were all at the top of the hill, wondered what to do. Kyra had already began making her way down the hill, and was about halfway down, as Jen pushed Noura onto his stomach and sat on his back. "The fat guy is a sled now! WOO!" She yelled, as the other members of the team climbed onto his back. Noura pushed himself off of the edge with his hands, we sing the team plummeting down the hill at huge speeds. They bumped into McKenzie, who was at the bottom of the hill, and she fell into Noura's back.

The David Is Really Really Really Hot sled got to the beach first, colliding with a rock and sending everyone in it into the ocean. Next across the line was Ezekiel, who held onto the sled for a pretty long time before falling off. The next across the line was Chelsea, which meant that only Bea had to cross the line for David Is Really Really Really Hot to win. A figure of somebody running towards the beach appeared, and Bea approached the finish line. She reached out for it, as Free Food on Noura sped past her and crashed onto the beach.

"TEAM FREE FOOD HAS TAKEN THE WIN!" Yelled the Host, as he glared at Team David Is Really Really Really Hot. "And that means one of David Is Really Really Really Hot is going home tonight.

David Is Really Really Really Hot sat around the campfire of the campfire ceremony, prepared to vote somebody out of the game. "The eliminations are gonna work a bit different here. If youre safe, you get a slice of cake. If you get no Cake, you lose and go home." Said the host. "You may vote now.

**_David Confessional: Chelsea's gotta go. If she keeps talking with Bea, she'll make her lose interest with me eventually. I need an alliance. (he grabs a marker, drawing a large "X" on a picture of Chelsea._**

**_Someone Confessional: (He Crosses out a picture of Bea once, that scribbles all over it, writing the words "Bea" on the back)_**

**_Chelsea Confessional: (She Holds a picture of David that has been drawn on, giving him a crude monocle and devil horns) David's gotta go. He's just too weak for our tribe, and he's a liability._**

The host pulled out a plate of six slices of cake, one for each team member who would not be eliminated. Whoever didn't get a cake would be the first person eliminated.

"If i call your name, you're safe." Said the host. "Someone." He continued, throwing a slice of cake at him. "Also safe is Kyra, Thans, and Brooke." He said, as he threw slices of cake at all of them. It hit Brooke straight in the face, causing her to spray hairspray all over her face. "You all got at least one vote." Said the host, aiming a slice of cake at either Bea, David or Chelsea. "David, you only got one vote." He said, as he threw a piece of cake at David's hair, causing him to desperately run his fingers through his hair to get it out.

"Chelsea, Bea. One of you will leave the island." Said the Host, aiming a slice of cake at Chelsea, then Bea, then swapping between them both again. "The last one safe is..."

"Chelsea." He threw a slice of cake at Chelsea, who immediately took a huge bite and chewed it gingerly while staring at Bea.

"But...but I made the team name!" She said, as she was dragged away by the staff. "Bad news. I don't have enough money to build a new boat and send you home." said the Host, following Bea.

"Does that mean I can stay and look at David?" She said hopefully, before the Host shot back with "Nah, we built a Trebuchet." He said, as Bea was thrown into the Trebuchet. "Any last words before you get booted into the ocean?" said the Host, as he prepared the Trebuchet.

"Well, I just wanna say that-" Bea started, before the Host interrupted her with a quick

"Time's Up!" and launched her into the ocean, as she screamed "I LOVE YOU, DAVIIIIIIIIIIIIIID!" Before splashing down in the ocean.

"Well, there goes the first contestant and their chances of money. Oh well. Never liked her anyway. Who'll be the next person shot out of the Trebuchet? tune in next time to find out, on Survivor,


	2. Episode-2-Why-Are-There-No-Space-Bars

Team David Is Really Really Really Hot sat begrudgingly at their camp. Some were happy Bea was eliminated, but one person was irritated by the loss. David.

**_David Confessional: Bea was the only one blind enough to do absolutely anything for me. I'll need to up my game, and by that, I mean stop wearing a shirt._**

"It sure is hot around here." Said David, as he instantly ripped off his shirt. Suddenly, everyone in camp were fixing their eyes upon David.

**_David Confessional: Easy, like always._**

A speaker boomed the host's voice onto both camps, as he said "Get your asses over here, it's challenge time."

Teams Free Food and David Is Really Really Really Hot stood by a beach, looking out into the ocean where a group of elevated platforms stood, each held above the water by a couple of wooden poles each, and were connected by thin lines of rope.

"Today's challenge is simple. Each team member will take their place on separate platforms. From there, try to knock the other team's contestants into the water, by any means necessary. And I mean any." Boomed the host, as he propped out a deckchair and sat facing the platforms.

**_Kyra Confessional: Sometimes I feel like our host is a sadist. Or just mentally ill. Maybe both._**

The teams were scattered onto the platforms, as the host waved a flag up into the air. He quickly swung it down, starting the challenge.

McKenzie immediately leaped over to Thans' platform, kicking him into the water.

**_5 team members left for David Is Really Really Really Hot_**

Noura from Free Food began jumping on the spot to hype himself up, before his weight snapped the poles holding the platform up and it tilted towards Ezekiel's platform. "No, no, no!" Said Ezekiel in horror. "Why the fat one AGAIN?" before it caused a domino effect, sending both Ezekiel and Noura into the water.

**_4 team members left for Free Food_**

Shaqua from Free Food leaped over to Chelsea's platform, kicking her into Someone's platform. She fell slightly downwards, instead smashing into the platform's poles, which made it collapse immediately.

**_3 members left for David Is Really Really Really Hot_**

Nick from Free Food leaped over to Kyra's platform, barely making it over and slamming into him. Kyra fell backwards, jumping over to David's platform and barely hanging onto the edge. "David! Pull me up! We can still win!" Said Kyra, starting to slip. David shoved his foot onto Kyra's hand, causing him to let go in pain and plummet into the water.

**_2 members left for David Is Really Really Really Hot_**

**_Kyra Confessional: When I get my hands on David, I'm gonna expose him like the dirty little traitor he is. What a rat._**

David casually pretended to trip, jumping over to Brooke's platform, who was still spraying perfume everywhere, which caused them both to fall into the water.

**_0 members left for David Is Really Really Really Hot_**

_"Team Free Food takes the win! Again..." said the Host, almost disappointed. "David Is Really Really Really Hot, I'll be seeing you at tribal."_

Everyone sat at the David Is Really Really Really Hot camp, before Kyra suddenly stood up and said "David, you're an idiot." Everyone gasped, as Kyra continued: "You pushed me down and I saw you push Brooke." David pulled an expression of fake sadness, as Brooke said "That was like, an accident, yeah? And you just must have weak upper body strength."

Kyra walked off angrily, as the team looked at him in disgust. "I mean, he kind of has a point." Said Thans, raising his hands in a shrugging motion before realising he was in even more danger than Kyra.

**_David Confessional: The person voted off is gonna be either Kyra or Thans. I think I might go for Thans, considering he did worse in the challenge._**

David Is Really Really Really Hot sat around the campfire, each on a tree stump. David shot a menacing grin at both Kyra and Thans, as Kyra looked back in anger, and Thans looked on in fear.

**_David Confessional: I think I'll vote Kyra. I can at least keep Thans in line._**

**_Kyra Confessional: David is an idiot. He's my vote choice, for sure._**

**_Thans Confessional: I'll vote Kyra. He's the only one the team hates more than me._**

The host held up a plate of five slices of cake, picking up one and throwing it at the first person safe. "Brooke." He said, as it hit Brooke right in the face. He continued throwing cakes at the others who were safe. "Someone, Chelsea, David." He said, as he threw slices of cake at them all.

"The final slice of cake goes to..."

"Nobody! Your stupid asses ended up with a tie. So now Free Food gets to choose either Kyra or Thans to take into their team, and the person not chosen will be eliminated.

Kyra and Thans stood on two metal bars high, high above the ocean. The bars were held up by a small platform, as Free Food stood on another platform at the same height with a ladder. "Choose who you want on your team." Said the Host, as he quickly climbed down the stairs.

"Well, I want Thans on our team 'cause he looks strong." Said Noura. Immediately, Thans' platform extended towards the Free Food platform, as Kyra's retracted slightly.

"Wow, me too! He looks mega strong!" Said Jen, as Thans' platform moved yet farther towards Free Food, and Kyra's moved back. Ezekiel, Shaqua, Nick and Mckenzie all said "Thans" at the same time, as his bar moved fully over the Free Food platform, tipping over and sending him onto the Free Food platform. At the same time, Kyra's bar tipped over as well, sending him plummeting down into the ocean before being caught by a Trebuchet.

"Heh, good thing this oddly placed Trebuchet broke my fall." He said relieved, before the host pull the huge crank on it, sending Kyra into the night sky.

"Well, I'm sure that was a shock to absolutely nobody. Mainly because nobody reads this shit. Haha funny poo. Anyway, read more I guess. I need attention so i can keep my fragile self esteem above breaking point"


End file.
